a letter to bobby brown, on the occasion of his birthday

Dear Mr. Brown,

Happy Birthday! I hope that you and Whitney have big plans for each other on this special day.

Today is my birthday, too - which means that we're, like, totally twinsies! Of course, I'm only 25, so I still have ages and ages before I hit middle age, and the big 4-0 is creeping up on you pretty fast, isn't it? But don't despair: I'm sure you'll make the last three years of your thirties as awesome as the first seven.

But do you know what? We have so many other things in common apart from our shared birthday. For instance, in 1986 you were voted out of New Edition on account of your drug habit. And in 1989 I was kicked out of Girl Scouts on account of not being a spiteful bitch like Theresa Tieffenbraun. But I hear that you were just smoking weed at the time; and, as everybody knows, I am absolutely a spiteful bitch. Which means we so did not deserve such unfair treatment. Just because we're Aquarians and march to the beat of a different drummer (or, in your case, drum machine), that doesn't mean that we should be punished. The world needs our originality. I think you must agree.

And, speaking of Aquarius (totally the best sign ever), do you ever read your horoscope? I read mine, and every time I read it I think how it also must apply to you! If you don't read it, well, you should, because it looks the coming year is going to be very eventful for us. In fact, I think you'll be particularly excited about this:

"The artist in you is truly inspired on a more profound level than ever and the music of the spheres is within your hearing, and indeed music and film is your forte now. Finances are somehow linked with this revolution and you may learn what is really of value to you. Currently Jupiter squaring up to Neptune from Scorpio is also affecting this small group, bringing a mixture of strange denial and extravagance, a sense of unreality versus the longing to escape the old life with its pressures and its more superficial values. The end product is a remarkable gentleness, humility and a real wisdom brought to your being, which ultimately brings you on the side of the angels."

Of course, anyone who has ever heard My Prerogative couldn't possibly doubt that the angels have been on your side for at least 17 years - and how! I mean: "Yo! Tell it, kick it like this!" Jesus himself couldn't have said it better.

But how amazing is this prediction? I personally couldn't ask for a better birthday present. Music, film, and fortune? Perhaps I'll finally find work as a critic, and maybe you'll finally live up to the potential that we all saw so long ago in Ghostbusters II. And there's no way your new album can fail now - the stars are with you, Bobby!

Also, I know that I could use some gentleness, and I'm sure you could too - Whitney's been looking a little strung out lately, my special birthday friend.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, Whitney, and the kids (even those you may not know about). I can only hope that by my 37th birthday I will have as much to celebrate as you.

All my birthday best,
Elizabeth