goodbye reason, hello rhyme

iTunes, what the fuck is this:


Now, don't get me wrong: I applaud the decision to provide a resource for those of us who are generally in the dark regarding the provenance of commercial music clips. I admit, I am one of those people. Slightly less so now, in this post-O.C. world of rampant indie-rock licensing, but back in the day, if an ad wasn't scored by Moby, it would often feature some slightly obscure rock classic. In which case, fuck if I knew what it was. Until Volkswagen came along, I'd never even heard "Happy Jack".

I just don't have the time to be as dedicated to music as I am to television. So I need TV to tell me what to listen to. I figure it's only a matter of time until TiVo gives me the chance to download songs directly, but until then, this iTunes clearinghouse idea isn't a terrible substitute.

I mean, except for the part where they decided to add egregiously half-assed ad commentary to the track listings.

Like this:

"Rock You Like a Hurricane" (Track 15): Burgers, chicken wings, quesadillas ... T.G.I. Friday's rocks empty stomachs much like this Scorpions' classic has been satisfying metal heads for decades.

That's funny, I didn't realize that Scorpions caused gastroenteritis and bloat. Mild distaste, sure, but even Virgin Killer doesn't turn the stomach like Friday's Three-for-All. But after reading this, I realize that I was wrong: they're both equally offensive. Thanks for clearing that up, iTunes!

Equally insipid advertorial sputa include:

"Ooh La La" (Track 9): This track from Goldfrapp takes a sample from the classic early '70s tune "Spirit in the Sky" and turns it into a frosty tune worthy of Diet Coke.

"Supergirl" (Track 13): It's fun to be young. It's fun to rock out. It's fun to wear cute shoes. This track on the new Candies ad is just a confirmation of all of these facts.

"Life is Wonderful" (Track 20): Jason Mraz's uplifting, life-affirming song reinforces the joys of living in a Hilton ad.

When I first read these, I really, really wanted them to be parody. They come close (the joys of living in a Hilton ad??!?), but I don't think they mean to. After careful consideration, I'm fairly certain that they're quite genuine. Which leads me to my point:

WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?

No, really, I'd like to know, because I'd like to find the person responsible and take a tire iron to their brain. I realize that the iTunes music store is a business and that Apple could probably use a little extra ad revenue to troubleshoot its latest iProduct, but can't we at least agree to limit advertising to actual effective forms? Like ... well, pretty much everything but Internet pop-up ads and this. The playlist doesn't make me any more likely to use the products in question. In fact, these track listings don't even make me any more likely to download the songs in question - and they kind of make me want to purge any of the songs I already happen to have on my hard drive. And, also, maybe switch to a PC.

And yet, like Tom Cruise at a Scientology convention, one listing manages to stand out in the crowd of retardation:

"Use Me" (Track 17): Soul singer Bill Withers proves to be as hardy as a GMC truck on "Use Me."

Because, see, when you think about it, Bill Withers is exactly like a GMC Sierra.

1. The GMC Sierra and Bill Withers both win awards:

• In 2005, the GMC Sierra was the J.D. Power and Associates Highest Ranked Heavy-Duty Full-Size Pickup in Initial Quality in the U.S.
• In 1971, Bill Withers won the Grammy for R&B Song of the Year for Ain't No Sunshine. He also won the award in 1981 for Just the Two of Us. And in 1987 for Lean on Me.

2. The GMC Sierra and Bill Withers both photograph beautifully:



3. The GMC Sierra and Bill Withers can both operate in adverse conditions:

• The GMC Sierra has an automatic locking rear differential that evenly distributes power to both rear wheels, providing traction on slippery roads.
• Bill Withers grew up in rural West Virginia.
  

4. The GMC Sierra and Bill Withers can both address your work-site needs:

• Properly equipped, the GMC Sierra can tow up to 12,000 lb. and has a 4,000 lb. payload capacity.
• If there is a load you have to bear / that you can't carry / I'm right up the road / I'll share your load / if you just call me.

5. The GMC Sierra and Bill Withers can both provide comfort in any temperature:

• The GMC Sierra features dual-zone climate controls.
• Bill Withers is cool and hot.

6. The GMC Sierra and Bill Withers both inspire us all:

• The GMC Sierra 4.8L standard V8 engine encourages environmental responsibility, with the best fuel economy of any full-sized pickup.
• Without Grandma's Hands, we would never have had No Diggity.

What, you're not convinced? Well, that's probably because comparing Bill Withers to a GMC truck is nearly as stupid as, say, comparing Jesus Christ to a Geo Metro.

I know, I know: I shouldn't be surprised. After all, it's not clear that Bill Withers has ever met a licensing agreement he didn't like. And, you know what? That's cool. I'm happy to see Bill Withers pocket a little extra cash here and there, even if it does mean that Ain't No Sunshine pops up in one of the more hateful movies ever made. Hell, I'd probably give him money too, if I had any.

And anyway, I like to think that Bill's just trying to be generous with his music, sharing it with the world in order to make it a better place.

However, all of this means, of course, that if Bill Withers were a car, he sure as hell wouldn't be made by General Motors.

So have a little respect, Apple. And for the love of God, find a better copywriter.