my mostly formatted spec script for the abc family channel

CREMASTER OF THE HOUSE


“PILOT”


TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURB – MORNING
A lush, affluent suburb. Technicolor abounds: emerald-green grass, ruby-red roses, spoon-silver Mercedes. It is perfect, it is peaceful. It is Pleasantville.

But, you know, without the political allegory.

EXT. HIGHBROOKE AVENUE – MORNING
And this, the perfect street in our perfect suburb. We move lazily past a succession of well-manicured lawns and expensively maintained houses. A tow-headed girl frolics in a sprinkler, a good-looking man tosses a baseball with his son, two well-coiffed women chat over a white picket fence. And then we come upon the perfect house: a Victorian-revival, breathtaking in its suburban splendor. Except, of course, for the team of workmen outside, installing what looks to be an elaborate outdoor sculpture.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

A MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN PAJAMAS, standing in the driveway across the street, the morning paper hanging limply from his hand as he watches the activity in his new neighbors’ yard, dumb-struck. HIS WIFE, a pleasant-looking woman in a terrycloth bathrobe, comes up behind him, two coffee cups in hand. She hands him a mug and they sip their coffee in mutual horror.

CLOSE-UP:

A WORKER PULLS OUT A GIGANTIC, TRUCK-SIZED JAR OF VASELINE.

The couple looks at each other, looks back at the sculpture, and then, after a beat:

WIFE
Well. There goes the neighborhood.

Off her husband’s reaction …

CUT TO:

OPENING CREDITS

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BARNEY HOUSE - BEDROOM – MORNING
A king-sized bed. An impeccably modern duvet cover straight out of a magazine. A plush, lovable whale toy. And two, artfully tousled heads of hair: on the left, BJÖRK, on the right, MATTHEW BARNEY. They’re sleeping peacefully.

CLOSE-UP:

ONE OF THOSE ALARM CLOCKS THAT'S LIKE AN OLD-FASHIONED ROLODEX. Remember the clock in Groundhog Day? That's the one. It is 7:59am. We watch as the numbers slowly fliiiiip to 8:00. Time to wake up! Except, for a moment, nothing happens. And then – a cacophony of innovative, envelope-pushing sound.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

A SMALL GROUP OF MEN AND WOMEN in multicultural garb, standing next to the bed, beat-boxing in six-part harmony. Björk sits up in bed and stretches, adorably, an early-morning smile on her face. Matthew Barney stirs, gropes for another pillow, and pulls it over his head. Björk grabs the toy whale and bats him with it playfully.

BJÖRK
Rise and shine, honeybear!

MATTHEW BARNEY
Don’t you think that once, just once we could wake up to something different? NPR, K-ROCK – (wistfully) – Howard Stern?

BJÖRK
(If I had a nickel for every time I've heard this … ) Sweetie, you know how I feel about bad language and instrumentals so early in the morning. Now get out of bed, lazybones, we’ve got a big day ahead of us!

We follow Björk over to her closet. She slides open the door to reveal a rack full of bird costumes, each labeled with a hand-made glitter-pen sign: Black-Browned Albatross, Pied-Billed Grebe, Red-Footed Booby. She grabs one – Chestnut-Breasted Mannikin – and heads toward the door. On her way out, she turns to the choir:

BJÖRK
Now, no stopping until Mr. Sleepyhead here gets his cutie-patootie out of bed!

Off Matthew Barney’s muffled curse …

CUT TO:

INT. BARNEY HOUSE – KITCHEN – LATER THAT MORNING
Björk sits in a spacious, sun-filled kitchen, eating a bowl of Kashi Go-Lean and absentmindedly stroking her tail feathers. Matthew Barney stumbles in and heads toward the coffee pot. He pours some syrup-thick black coffee into a mug that reads “World’s Greatest Dad (and Contemporary Media Artist)”. He sits down at the counter and flips through the sports section of the Post.

MATTHEW BARNEY
(Angrily) Mother …

Björk shoots him a look.

MATTHEW BARNEY (CONT’D)
(Lamely) … freaking Broncos.

He throws the paper across the room and focuses his attention on his ladyfriend.

MATTHEW BARNEY
Hey, didn’t you wear that yesterday?

BJÖRK
No, sweetie, that was the Chinese Grossbeak.

MATTHEW BARNEY
(Under his breath) They all look the same to me.

BJÖRK
Well, that’s not my fault, is it? I’m not the one who hasn’t even opened the Audubon guide I got him for Christmas. (Exasperated beat) I thought you weren’t going to drink coffee anymore.

MATTHEW BARNEY
I’m investigating stimulus, Bee. And caffeine, as you know, is a stimulant. Don’t question my artistic program.

BJÖRK
You know, one day you’re going to have to come up with a better excuse than that.

MATTHEW BARNEY
(To the moon, Alice) I’ll show you a better excuse …

But before he can, the doorbell rings. They are startled out of their squabble.

BJÖRK
Who in the world could that be?

Off her adorable, Icelandic confusion …

CUT TO:

INT./EXT. BARNEY HOUSE – FRONT DOOR – CONTINUOUS
The couple from across the street – FRANK AND CINDY SANDERSON – stand on the front porch, smiles plastered to their faces. Work on the outdoor sculpture continues in the yard behind them.

FRANK
(Trying a little too hard) Welcome to the neighborhood!

CINDY
Yes, welcome! We brought you a … uh … gift basket!

The wife hands Matthew Barney what is pretty obviously a hastily thrown-together welcome gift: a Duane Reade shopping bag with a red ribbon tied haphazardly to the handle. Matthew Barney reaches inside and pulls out a bar of soap, a Diet Snapple, and – he lets out a happy gurgle at this – a half-empty bag of Tostitos Lime-flavored tortilla chips. He opens the Tostitos bag and begins shoving the remaining chips into his mouth.

FRANK
I’m Frank, and this is my wife, Cindy. (Beat) And you are … ?

MATTHEW BARNEY
(With his mouth full) Matthew Barney, contemporary media artist.

The couple gives each other a concerned look. A man in a blue jumpsuit pushes a wheelbarrow full of prosthetic limbs across the yard.

MATTHEW BARNEY (CONT’D)
You’re not football fans by any chance, are you?

Björk grabs the bag of chips out of his hands.

BJÖRK
(Hissing) If you need to snack, we have free-trade soy chips in the pantry. (To Frank and Cindy) Hi! I’m Björk! But I find that Americans have a lot of trouble with the umlaut, so you can just call me Bee.

CINDY
(Riiiight) Nice to … meet you both.

Sparks fly through the air behind her. One of the workmen lets out a bloodcurdling scream. Frank and Cindy’s expressions remain frozen in place.

BJÖRK
(Smiling beatifically) It is, isn’t it?

Off the inevitable explosion from the front yard …

CUT TO:

EXT. BARNEY HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Frank and Cindy hurry down the front walk. Björk and Matthew Barney stand in the doorway; she waves happily after them as he upends the rest of the Tostitos into his mouth.

CINDY
Frank – who are those people?

A man runs across the yard behind them, trailing smoke and flame. He is followed by four other men with water buckets – all in identical jumpsuits. A red-headed satyr in a suit tap-dances after them.

FRANK
(Ignoring all this) I have no idea. I bet they’re from Brooklyn.

All of a sudden, their legs fly out from under them.

ANGLE ON:

Frank and Cindy, lying on their backs in a pool of Vaseline. In the distance, a siren wails.

CINDY
That’s it. We have to get rid of them. (Beat) Just as soon as I regain feeling in my legs.

Off her paralysis …

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. BARNEY HOUSE – AFTERNOON
The workers are back in action, hammering and sawing away on the front lawn. The injured man is bandaged head to toe and is sitting to the side, sorting through a pile of broken telephones.

INT. SANDERSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Frank is peering through the curtains, Gladys Kravitz-style. Cindy is in a wheelchair, struggling with a pair of binoculars.

FRANK
(Testily) Do you really need those?

CINDY
I can’t exactly press my face against the window, Frank.

FRANK
It’s across the street, Cindy!

CINDY
I’m in a wheelchair, Frank!

A moment of sympathy for Cindy.

FRANK
Cindy, that was my mother’s wheelchair. (Beat) She died in that wheelchair.

A moment of sympathy for Frank's mom.

FRANK (CONT'D)
Now stop playing and help me plan.

Cindy rolls her eyes, but relents and walks over to the window.

FRANK
(Satisfied) That’s better. Now, what’s first?

Off their scheming …

MONTAGE

A) Frank sits in his car and revs the engine. He is pointed directly at the Barney House. He revs his engine some more, because what else do you do in this situation? Then, he puts the car into gear, releases the parking break, and throws himself out the door as the car hurtles toward the house. It crashes right through the front porch and bursts into flame. Björk and Matthew Barney run out of the house as Frank and Cindy watch, delighted, from the safety of their living room. They nod to one another. But, then, Matthew Barney reaches under his shirt and pulls out a coach’s whistle. He blows on the whistle three times in rapid succession and, out of nowhere, his workmen appear, each one carrying a child-size bumper car. They all hop in and drive their tiny cars into the burning vehicle while Matthew Barney builds a replica of the Chrysler Building out of mud.

B) Frank and Cindy find a group of very dangerous-looking gang-type people. Frank and Cindy hand them a wad of bills and point them in the direction of the Barney House. Cindy presses a lead pipe into one man’s hand. The gang-type people crash through Matthew Barney’s front door and there is a tremendous clamor from inside the house. Chairs and tables and vases come crashing out the front windows. Frank and Cindy shake hands, seemingly victorious, but then, without warning, the noise stops. There is the sound of distant laughter. And … of 1940s swing music. They look at each other nervously. After a moment, the hired thugs emerge, in full Busby Berkeley regalia. They join Björk and Matthew Barney in a kick-line out in front of the house.

C) Frank and Cindy acquire a tremendously large jar of angry, swarming bees. They creep up to the house and feed a rubber tube through a gap in the boards that now cover what used to be the front windows. They attach the other end of the tube to the bee-jar. The bees fly out of the jar and into the house and Frank and Cindy retreat to their yard, where they wait expectantly. Nothing happens. Several minutes later, Norman Mailer walks out, looking extremely pleased with himself.

Off this last, embarrassing failure …

CLOSE-UP:

FRANK AND CINDY, THEIR FACES ILLUMINATED BY CANDLE LIGHT.

CINDY
Ready, Frank?

FRANK
Ready, Cindy.

They pull up the hoods on the sinister black cloaks that we just now see they are wearing as we …

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

EXT. BARNEY HOUSE – NIGHT
Frank and Cindy are on the front lawn, surrounded by the detritus of their previous efforts. They stand before a pentagram that they have lined out in a thick red liquid. Candles mark the vertices. They step together into the circle, clasp hands, and begin to chant. Just as the pentagram begins to glow ominously …

The porch lights come on. Or, one does, at least. The other just sort of sputters.

Matthew Barney and Björk step outside. Matthew Barney is dressed as a cowboy. Björk is dressed as a penguin.

MATTHEW BARNEY
Frank? Cindy? Is that you?

Frank and Cindy jump apart and the pentagram flickers out.

FRANK
(Guiltily) Oh, um, yes. It’s us. Hi there, Matthew Barney. (After a moment, bashfully) Hi, Bee.

Björk flaps her arms in greeting.

MATTHEW BARNEY
What are you guys doing out here?

Frank shoots a desperate look at Cindy. She shrugs.

FRANK
Nothing! We’re doing nothing at all!

BJÖRK
What are all those candles for?

MATTHEW BARNEY
And is that a deer?

ANGLE ON:

A HEART-BREAKINGLY BEAUTIFUL DOE, tethered to a lamppost. On its side, in Sharpie, is a crudely drawn target and the words “Slice here.”

FRANK
We can explain!

Matthew Barney and Björk look at Frank, then Cindy, then the pentagram, then the deer. You can practically see the light bulbs flashing over their heads.

BJÖRK
(Shocked) Oh my goodness!

MATTHEW BARNEY
(Gesturing to the ruined front yard) You mean … the two of you have been behind all this?

FRANK AND CINDY
(After a moment, ashamed) We have.

Matthew Barney and Björk look at each other. He shakes his head in disbelief.

MATTHEW BARNEY
We had no idea.

Their faces split into megawatt grins.

MATTHEW BARNEY (CONT’D)
(Striding forward to clap Frank on the shoulder in a manly way) Why didn’t you tell us before? Where did you study, anyway?

CINDY
(Totally confused now) I’m sorry?

MATTHEW BARNEY
RISD? Yale? CalArts?

FRANK
I … went to Wharton.

CINDY
I went to Wellesley.

MATTHEW BARNEY
(Astonished beat) You’re not even trained? Well, color me impressed, my friends. This is outstanding work – just outstanding!

Frank and Cindy’s jaws drop straight through to China.

FRANK
I … I don’t understand.

MATTHEW BARNEY (CONT’D)
And living across from us this whole time. Who’d have thought!

CINDY
But … but …

MATTHEW BARNEY (CONT’D)
Have you ever thought about collaborating?

Matthew Barney and Björk lean forward expectantly as Frank and Cindy realize, for the first time, exactly what they’re up against. Their shoulders slump as one.

FRANK
(Pulling it out of his you-know-what) We … don’t think our … artistic … program is refined enough for collaboration quite yet.

Matthew Barney and Björk nod in profound understanding.

FRANK
(Weakly) But like we said: welcome to the neighborhood.

Matthew Barney and Björk rush forward and envelop Frank and Cindy in a huge group hug.

Off Frank and Cindy’s strained capitulation …

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO


TAG

INT. BARNEY HOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Björk and Matthew Barney, lying in bed, cuddling. Björk clutches the toy whale to her chest. They are content. Just as the lead couple always should be at the end of the show, particularly if we want to instill our children with the right kind of family values. Which, ABC Family, I assure you I do.

BJÖRK
(Happily) What clever neighbors. I’m so glad we left the city, pumpkin.

MATTHEW BARNEY
(On a sigh) Me too, Bee. This place is brilliant. (To himself) I wonder if they’ll let me build a football stadium in the cul-de-sac …

BJÖRK
(Giggling) I do love you, Matthew Barney.

MATTHEW BARNEY
And I love you, Björk Guðmundsdóttir.

After a long, blissful moment:

BJÖRK
Sweetie?

MATTHEW BARNEY
Yes, dear?

She reaches beneath her pillow and pulls out a camcorder and a paring knife.

BJÖRK
(Adorably) Can we cut up each other’s feet now?

MATTHEW BARNEY
(Just as adorably) I thought you’d never ask.

CUT TO BLACK:

THE END