live blogging the live west wing debate

8:00pm
Here we go. So Ellen Degeneres is hosting or something? Does the West Wing normally have a host or is this a special thing? I already don’t know what’s going on. I didn't expect that to happen for at least another 10 minutes.

8:01pm
The embarrassment of stunt television has set in for me. "Terrified doesn’t begin to describe it." Well, yes.

8:03pm
Somebody must have something on Forrest Sawyer, because they've managed to coerce him into moderating this monstrosity. He's going over the rules. At length. I'm not sure if they're trying to make the point that the rules for presidential debate are absurd or if they're just trying to reduce the amount of time that Jimmy Smits will have to trip up his lines.

8:04pm
Alda just clammed up ... is that our first live trip-up? Oh, psyche! That was just acting, kids. Learn from the master.

8:05pm
“I suspect the audience will reward brevity.”

8:06pm
Credits. Thank God. You know, I read that President Bush has been trying to kick back lately by watching reruns of The West Wing. The administration should really be earning residuals on Daily Show earnings. They just make it so easy.

8:09pm
Ellen is back and rambling about Social Security cards. I actually have to agree on this one - those cards really could use some lamination. I also have a feeling that's the only sensible thing I'm going to hear for the next hour.

8:10pm
Look - they’re throwing out the rules to the debate! Those crazy, subversive kids. If they'll go live, they'll do anything.

8:11pm
Wait, what’s that – a severe thunderstorm warning is in effect? Is that part of the show? Is that for real? I can’t tell: THE META IS JUST TOO MUCH.

8:12pm
Oh no, Smits just fucked up provisions! He said “provishions” instead! Can you believe that? Live TV is AWESOME.

8:14pm
They're talking about CAFTA. It's ... exactly as boring as you would expect.

8:18pm
Alda is wiping the floor with Smits. But I gotta say that in a cage fight, I'm pretty sure Bobby Simone would kick Hawkeye's ass.

8:19pm
Please don't get into vouchers. Please don't go there. Oh, hell. The left side of my body just fell asleep.

8:20pm
"Head Start doesn’t work," says Alda. The audience just made an awesome "Oh no, he didn't" sort of noise. Which makes me wonder: who the fuck has the bad luck to be cast in the live audience? If I were an actor, that's precisely the shitty stuff I'd get stuck doing. Sometimes I'm glad I'm so lacking in talent. And natural beauty. And ... artificial beauty.

8:21pm
In an honestly unexpected turn of events, I find myself agreeing with the Republican. Just another item on the long list of annoying things about this stuntisode.

8:23pm
Can we have another commercial? Please? I’m dying here. The whole country is dying here.

8:27pm
Is Medicare really the most efficient health care system in the world? I might stop to google that if I weren't too busy lancing the boil of my persistent bitterness - which is nothing new, really, except that now it's LIVE.

8:28pm
They’ve come out from behind the podiums. Just how many envelopes are they going to push tonight! John Wells, you fox.

8:29pm
Alda just dissed Canada. And just when I was starting to like him.

8:33pm
Commercials. THANK GOD. I’m getting a beer.

8:35pm
Medium 3-D? Oh come on. It's only a matter of time, isn't it, before NBC gives up and just starts paying people to watch its shows.

8:37pm
God, it's back already. I get that they wanted to be realistic or whatever, but maybe the show-runners should have thought twice before being realistic about something that is in actuality mind-numbingly dull. We don't watch real presidential debates to be entertained, we watch out of fear.

8:38pm
They’re talking economics now. Now, I love economics but I'm still trying to eat my own face at the moment. WHO, EXACTLY, THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?

8:41pm
Smits just tripped up again. This is fucking incredible television, let me tell you.

8:44pm
16 more minutes. This was the worst blog entry idea ever.

8:47pm
And now they’re getting all up in each other’s faces about global warming. Oh, for the love of all that's holy, please let now be the time for that cage match. KILL HIM, HAWKEYE.

8:48pm
No cage match. This sucks.

8:49pm
“We’re running out of time.” That's the best thing I've heard all night.

8:50pm
“It’s ridiculous to suggest that we would ever have to go to war to protect our oil supply.” And that's the most depressing thing I've heard all night.

8:51pm
Closing statements, Round 1: Jimmy. Is he tearing up? Christ, I know I am.

8:54pm
Closing statements, Round 2: Alda. “Do we want more government or do we want to get controol of governement?” Oh, did I just type "controol"? I meant "control"! I guess that's the risk - and reward - of live blogging!

8:56pm
And now they have the fake families up with the fake candidates. And we are fake out.

8:57pm
“Wow, that was exciting!” Ellen takes the sarcasm right out of my mouth. Or she would, if I hadn't just used it all up. God, I feel cheap. (More)