So you know those commercials that show groups of well-heeled women, usually at some sleek bar, sipping cocktails while their most glossy-haired companion regales the assembled crowd with the fascinating tale of her brand-new super-exciting birth control?
(Yeah, yeah, I know: this isn't exactly breaking new ground. Best Week Ever covered this, like, eight years ago or something. But bear with me for a moment.)
(Not that any of you should have any content-related expectations at this point.)
Moving along: I'm not claiming that advertising is a particularly accurate reflection of reality, but these ads always seemed especially absurd to me, as if someone had done a find/replace on a Sex and the City script and then tacked on a bunch of medical disclaimers at the end.
Here's a sample of dialogue:
Knowledgeable-looking (i.e., hot but not too hot) brunette: "DRSP is a different type of hormone that may increase potassium. So you shouldn't take Yaz if you have kidney, liver, or adrenal disease."
Exactly.
This isn't to say that the ad campaigns are all bad. They do a really nice job of shaming my reproductive organs, which is great because the feminine hygiene industry has gone all sporty and shame-free these days. And, yes, okay, they make me laugh. Every time. And not just because I have the comedic sophistication of an eleven-year-old. I mean, they're also kind of crazy, right? Because nobody would seriously infomercial their contraception over lunch, at least not in my experience. (Which is that girl-to-girl product pitches are usually limited to face creams and anti-depressants.) Sure, you might have a quick chat about the pros and cons of certain kinds of birth control, but it would be with your best friend and on the phone, not in public and out loud.
Or so I thought.
The other night I went to see Sarah Silverman perform. I'm not usually the type to go see stand-up - I like my comedy like I like humanity: at a safe, televised distance - but I hadn't been out of the house in days, so I braved the crowds and made my way to Caroline's. I have a mostly but not entirely groundless fear of public humiliation, so as soon as the show started I slunk down in my seat, trying my best to look as inconspicuous as possible, just in case one of the comedians decided to start taking shots at the crowd.
It turns out that my anxiety was wholly misplaced.
This is a near-verbatim exchange that I swear-to-god actually happened, near the beginning of Sarah Silverman's set.
Sarah Silverman: So I've been talking to some of my girlfriends about switching birth control --
Woman in Audience, loudly: Seraphim!
Sarah Silverman: I'm sorry?
Woman: You should try Seraphim!
Sarah Silverman: Is that not a pill?
Woman: Yes.
Sarah Silverman: Yes it isn't a pill?
Woman: No.
Sarah Silverman: Yes it is a pill or yes it isn't a pill?
Woman: It is a pill.
Sarah Silverman: So it is a pill?
Woman: Yes, it is a pill.
Sarah Silverman, after a moment: Do you think that we're, like, alone in a room right now?
Sadly, the woman never got the opportunity to inform us of any possible side effects or drug interactions. Which actually really sucks, because then at least I would have been justified in throwing my beer at her head.
Oddly, when I got home, I ran a search for "seraphim birth control" and found nothing. Was the entire thing some sort of brilliant Kaufman-esque subversion? Or am I just kind of deaf? If you're the woman who has no ability to distinguish between advertising and reality, and yet somehow has managed to hold down a job that allows you to buy a 30-dollar ticket to Caroline's, let me know! As I'm sure you already know: I'd just love to hear what you have to say.
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sing with us ye seraphim
a picture worth a thousand words
Until today, the only things that came to mind when I thought of the Sony BRAVIA were paint and superballs. And, possibly, the niggling fear that I pay entirely too much attention to commercials.
I am happy to say, however, that I can now round out that list with one final item: total fucking fuckwittage.
Behold, from the official site:
I, for one, wasn't aware that there had not yet been, in the whole history of television, a model of TV that men and women could agree upon. But apparently Sony did, and they decided that the only way to successfully market a television to men and women was to write two sets of separate, gender-appropriate copy - copy that displays much of the keen sociological insight that makes, say, today's situation comedy so darned provocative. (Men never put down the toilet seat! Women never stop nagging about men never putting down the toilet seat! Hilarious!)
Here are my favorite examples, so as to spare you the pain of sitting through the introductory video or navigating through the not-at-all user-friendly site. I dare you to figure out which quote refers to which gender.
On Broader Color Spectrum:
"BRAVIA uses Sony Wide Color Gamut Cold Compact Florescent [sic] Light (WCG-CCF) to display a color spectrum larger than conventional CCFL displays."
"Deeper reds. Distinctly more vivid greens. Clearer blues. That awy [sic], the next time you escape into your favorite prime-time soap, even if what you're watching doesn't reflect real life, your television's color will."
On Slim Design:
"Translation: This is one killer-looking television. Enough said."
"With its slim design and stylish look, it only steals your eye when it's on. If only the same could be said for his football lamp."
On Amazing Picture:
"Men want a picture that never lags. And the lightning-fast refresh rates of BRAVIA deliver just that, putting men right in the middle of the action."
"Whether it's a romantic comedy or an 18th century period piece, BRAVIA LCD TV will deliver detail so amazing, you'll be able to make out every rose petal."
I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP.
I'm not sure what upsets me more - that somebody thinks that this might work, or the possibility that it will.
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goodbye reason, hello rhyme
iTunes, what the fuck is this:
Now, don't get me wrong: I applaud the decision to provide a resource for those of us who are generally in the dark regarding the provenance of commercial music clips. I admit, I am one of those people. Slightly less so now, in this post-O.C. world of rampant indie-rock licensing, but back in the day, if an ad wasn't scored by Moby, it would often feature some slightly obscure rock classic. In which case, fuck if I knew what it was. Until Volkswagen came along, I'd never even heard "Happy Jack".
I just don't have the time to be as dedicated to music as I am to television. So I need TV to tell me what to listen to. I figure it's only a matter of time until TiVo gives me the chance to download songs directly, but until then, this iTunes clearinghouse idea isn't a terrible substitute.
I mean, except for the part where they decided to add egregiously half-assed ad commentary to the track listings.
Like this:
"Rock You Like a Hurricane" (Track 15): Burgers, chicken wings, quesadillas ... T.G.I. Friday's rocks empty stomachs much like this Scorpions' classic has been satisfying metal heads for decades.
That's funny, I didn't realize that Scorpions caused gastroenteritis and bloat. Mild distaste, sure, but even Virgin Killer doesn't turn the stomach like Friday's Three-for-All. But after reading this, I realize that I was wrong: they're both equally offensive. Thanks for clearing that up, iTunes!
Equally insipid advertorial sputa include:
"Ooh La La" (Track 9): This track from Goldfrapp takes a sample from the classic early '70s tune "Spirit in the Sky" and turns it into a frosty tune worthy of Diet Coke.
"Supergirl" (Track 13): It's fun to be young. It's fun to rock out. It's fun to wear cute shoes. This track on the new Candies ad is just a confirmation of all of these facts.
"Life is Wonderful" (Track 20): Jason Mraz's uplifting, life-affirming song reinforces the joys of living in a Hilton ad.
When I first read these, I really, really wanted them to be parody. They come close (the joys of living in a Hilton ad??!?), but I don't think they mean to. After careful consideration, I'm fairly certain that they're quite genuine. Which leads me to my point:
WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?
No, really, I'd like to know, because I'd like to find the person responsible and take a tire iron to their brain. I realize that the iTunes music store is a business and that Apple could probably use a little extra ad revenue to troubleshoot its latest iProduct, but can't we at least agree to limit advertising to actual effective forms? Like ... well, pretty much everything but Internet pop-up ads and this. The playlist doesn't make me any more likely to use the products in question. In fact, these track listings don't even make me any more likely to download the songs in question - and they kind of make me want to purge any of the songs I already happen to have on my hard drive. And, also, maybe switch to a PC.
And yet, like Tom Cruise at a Scientology convention, one listing manages to stand out in the crowd of retardation:
"Use Me" (Track 17): Soul singer Bill Withers proves to be as hardy as a GMC truck on "Use Me."
Because, see, when you think about it, Bill Withers is exactly like a GMC Sierra.
1. The GMC Sierra and Bill Withers both win awards:
- In 2005, the GMC Sierra was the J.D. Power and Associates Highest Ranked Heavy-Duty Full-Size Pickup in Initial Quality in the U.S.
- In 1971, Bill Withers won the Grammy for R&B Song of the Year for Ain't No Sunshine. He also won the award in 1981 for Just the Two of Us. And in 1987 for Lean on Me.
3. The GMC Sierra and Bill Withers can both operate in adverse conditions:
- The GMC Sierra has an automatic locking rear differential that evenly distributes power to both rear wheels, providing traction on slippery roads.
- Bill Withers grew up in rural West Virginia.
- Properly equipped, the GMC Sierra can tow up to 12,000 lb. and has a 4,000 lb. payload capacity.
- If there is a load you have to bear / that you can't carry / I'm right up the road / I'll share your load / if you just call me.
- The GMC Sierra features dual-zone climate controls.
- Bill Withers is cool and hot.
- The GMC Sierra 4.8L standard V8 engine encourages environmental responsibility, with the best fuel economy of any full-sized pickup.
- Without Grandma's Hands, we would never have had No Diggity.
I know, I know: I shouldn't be surprised. After all, it's not clear that Bill Withers has ever met a licensing agreement he didn't like. And, you know what? That's cool. I'm happy to see Bill Withers pocket a little extra cash here and there, even if it does mean that Ain't No Sunshine pops up in one of the more hateful movies ever made. Hell, I'd probably give him money too, if I had any.
And anyway, I like to think that Bill's just trying to be generous with his music, sharing it with the world in order to make it a better place.
However, all of this means, of course, that if Bill Withers were a car, he sure as hell wouldn't be made by General Motors.
So have a little respect, Apple. And for the love of God, find a better copywriter. (More)